NO QUESTION ASKED!!

NO QUESTIONS ASKED

My heart raced, and I felt like my blood was boiling like they say. Shouting on the top of my voice, I mumbled on my words, nothing I was saying made sense as it came out of my mouth. Low-key I was shaking, and tears were building up in my eyes.

I was easily trigged, yes, I was and I had a history dealing with my anger. With nothing I was saying making sense anymore, trying to make my point just felt plain worthless. So, I left. I walked out of my room and stepped into the room I was in previously, my bible which I was reading laid on the bed next to my glasses, I felt so ashamed, how could I go from reading Ephesians 5 to letting myself be consumed my anger. How stupid and weak am I.

But I was still angry, and my current shame only made me angrier, so in the blink of an eye I picked up my glasses from the bed and broke them into two, flinging the pieces across the room. For a brief moment, I felt my anger leaving my body, but the shame came back, as I sat on the bed, the thoughts of all I had done until now came back into my head. This was not how a child of God was to behave, what is wrong with me.

This was usually the point where the toxic thoughts came into my mind uninvited and trust me, they did. Stupid, weak, why can’t I just change, I want to be better, why am I just so useless, I just fell so stupid, these were only some of the thoughts that came into my head as I careful moved my bible and pen away from the bed and fell flat on it.

But this time was different that I could remember, my thoughts ran with all sort of toxic and degrading thoughts but this time I felt did word of God come into my thoughts too, something like anger lies in the bosom of a fool also made its way to my thoughts o, and I must admit I felt a bit relived with the word of God, but I still felt guilty for letting my anger get the best of me.

“Just shut up please, I want to be alone”. This was something I also said to my thoughts since they’ve decided to have a mind of their own, but after a few seconds they were back. How annoying. I put a pillow over my head in an attempt to drown out the thoughts but nothing. My head was full with all sorts of toxic thoughts and now it felt like the word of God was trying to battle those toxic thoughts.

God wants to use us now. When we are still struggling, we can still inspire others because they can see God’s grace working through us even though we’re as broken as they are. This was the last thought that came into my head before I slept off. It was from a bible plan I was doing just before the incident- when it hurts

“God wants to use me in my brokenness?”

About an hour later, I woke to be reminded first of what had happened earlier. I still felt guilty plus n ow I was feeling regret because I had broken my therapy glasses, why na.

“Lord have mercy on me for my sin of anger”, I said in my heart a few times in my heart but… that didn’t do it.

Still guilty (ahahn since morning, kilode) I went back to my actually room and laid on my bed, covering my head with my duvet, “hope is not that you want to sleep again” I thought to myself.

I laid there in my guilt going through my phone; “lord I have sinned, I let anger get the best of me” kept going through my head.

I didn’t earn my seat at God’s table through strength and would never lose it through weakness. This thought came into my mind and I felt my eyes open, God was never judging me for losing my temper or anything else I had done, he wasn’t even anger at me, and I had definitely not lost my sit at his table because of it, he still loves me and he still wants me, my guilt was from the devil trying to pull me away from my sit at my father’s table. In the past when I had felt guilty for my actions, I felt like I didn’t deserve to go back to my father, like I didn’t deserve his grace or that he wouldn’t give me, but now I know that all I have is his grace. See something- But now, this is what the Lord, your creator says, O Jacob, and he who formed you, o Israel, “don’t fear, for I have redeemed you [from captivity]; I have called you mine; you are mine!” Isaiah 43:1. I AM HIS.

I am weak, he is strong, and that’s the truth. How could I have gone from studying my bible to losing my temper and breaking my glasses? Simple, it’s because I am weak, but he is stronger than my weakness, all of my weaknesses.

Ahhh insight

This was a practical lesson in what I had learnt about grace, I still had it, grace, but the devil was trying to use guilt to pull me away.

I remembered what I had learnt about a few hours ago while studying my bible, that my father wants to use me in my brokenness so others could see God’s grace in me. I was going to write this down because I know someone needs this, someone needs to see the power of grace in my life.

So today my weakness was anger, and yours might be something else, we all have flaws, it’s part of being human, but we have a perfect God. And his grace remains the same. Don’t let the devil make you feel too ashamed to go back to the father, he’ll accept you, no questions asked.

Being a Christian is not about being perfect, it’s about knowing that we have a father that always wants us no matter how broken we are. The bible says he will work through us from the inside out, which means he knows I’m not perfect but he wants to fix me. He wants us always no questions asked, I just had to reach out again.

In the past I would have been bitter at myself and most likely fueled my depression, but today I went on my day understanding the power of his grace and overcoming that feeling of guilt I had.

I think the Holy Spirit just schooled me in a lesson on grace.

Lord I have sinned, forgive me for my anger Lord and give me more of your grace to overcome the sin of anger. I feel guilty but I know you don’t judge, you love me no questions asked, genuinely lord I am sorry, have mercy for my sins. For in Jesus mighty name I pray. Amen

Finally, I could put an end to all the guilt I felt.

Now once in a while the devil still tries to make you feel guilty and ashamed of your weakness or the things you did in the past, you start to think of all the things that makes you weak or that you did in the past, and you don’t think you’re worthy of the father’s love, he tries to make you feel ashamed to stand before your father, but remember the bible tells us that we do not do anything to deserve the grace we have, we don’t even have to earn his grace, he just gives us out of his Incomprehensible love. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—Ephesians 2:8. So in times when you feel weak or unworthy to come before your father, remember this, that there is therefore no condemnation(that literally means no questions asked) for those that are in Christ Jesus(oya open romans 8:1) Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus- Romans 8:1.

You always have to remind yourself of the reckless love your father has for you, he always wants you, no questions asked.

Kiish