TILL FOREVER

TILL FOREVER

“Tell me what is it you need from me, so that I can be all of it and more, I just want to be simply enough, pathetic or not, because for me not losing you is everything”

I had always taken pride the fact that I never let my guard down for anyone, and everyone who knew me, knew that. I told myself that I would never give anyone the chance to break my heart, or most importantly, embarrass me. I was a proper “hard girl”, so before you left me, I would have shown you the door out. Because all my life I had learnt enough times how people left, and how people were temporary and equally embarrassing. So, I knew early enough that it was no one’s job to protect my heart apart from mine, not even Ade.

But sometimes the pain is simply inevitable.

“I never begged you to stay o, you said you wanted to” I yelled at the top of my voice, this man was already starting to irritate me, what was the nonsense for? Funny enough, sometimes I can still hear myself scream at this man when I close my eyes, it would come in a flash and almost in the same moment it was gone. “Oh, shola please” he sighed, “I beg you don’t start this again” he continued with that same stupid nonchalant look he had on his face when he messed up. That look that always made me feel like he didn’t give a damn about how he broke me every time he messed up. Ade was always a little nonchalant but this, this was selfish, and this was the most selfish he had ever been.

The problem I always had with people was this, I was on my own, I didn’t beg anybody, especially not Ade, so why would you come into my life and say you want to move mad? I was starting to think this wasn’t even coincidence anymore, this had to be planned, if this was a joke of some sort, it wasn’t funny.

He still just stood there looking at me. I couldn’t stand that look, the more he stood there, the more I hated him, this man was wicked, ah. “I’m not getting a dog o, I’ve said my own”, Ade protested, he didn’t even have to look up from the laptop screen, I could tell his mind was made up, no amount of pouting and begging I did was going to change his mind soon, but the moment he realized he had won he looked over at me laying on the bed and said, “ok when we have kids we’ll let them decide” he knew what he was doing, “abeg o, which kids” I said sharply and immediately he let out the laughter he was holding back. He knew just how to get to me. But now I also couldn’t help the tears that ran down my face as I watched him just stand there, stand there like he didn’t just tear down my world. I thought about all the kids we never talked about having, now we really won’t have them.

“Till forever?” I stuttered through my tears, it was something he came up with, something we always said to each other on the hardest days, and on the brightest days too. I was such a fool. I could slowly feel the anger in me build up once again, this time it was faster than I could control “what-what happened to “when we have kids we can talk about a dog? all the stupid promises you made me you bastard” I yelled grabbing him by his shirt. This was obviously not about the stupid dog, it wasn’t even about the kids, no this was about way more than all of that, it was about the man I love. The moment my hands touched him I felt something, that spark I always felt every time I touched him, that fire that burned, I felt it. And I was mad that I felt it, that after everything this man did, even through the pain I still felt it. If this was love, I didn’t want to feel it anymore.

It’s how he managed to take everything away from us, in just 15 seconds, how all of a sudden all I could feel was pain where my heart was supposed to be. With every ounce of pain I felt in my chest, I slapped him. Over and over and over again, my hand went across his face, 6 times I slapped him across the face, with tears still running down my eyes, 6 times I broke my own heart. And still he just stood there. Was I a fool to him? Everything we built was the last 3 years just shattered to the ground and he just stood there. Right now, there was but a very thin line between me and insanity. It wasn’t supposed to end this way, it wasn’t supposed to end at all.

“Ahhhhh you bastard” I screamed, “why are you doing this to me” I said breaking down on the floor, this was the floor of the first apartment we ever bought together, and AD said he would change the carpet when we first moved him, he still hasn’t. I swear now there won’t be a next time. “Don’t take every thing you promised me back” I cried looking up at him, I know I was pathetic but I had never been more desperate for someone to stay. How was it possible that I felt everything I could possibly feel at once, I was scared to my bones to let him leave, but my blood boiled at the sight of him, all I wanted to do was hug him and never let go, for him to tell me it was all a lie and none of it was true. But everything was true, all of it, the one thing I was yet to accept was the truth. No matter what happened here tonight, AD was leaving me. Hard girl, hard girl, see your life. “Take it all back” I begged.

“So, what the hell do you want me to do?” he yelled back, his voice shook me so much I felt it down to my spine, those few words I said was all it took to move him. “Would you rather I just not die, do you have some magical cure for this cancer, cause trust me I don’t want to die, I don’t”, he yelled back panting hard, every word sent chills down my spine as he yelled and I just sat there in shock like a child being scolded, only my soul felt paralyzed. “I-I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die, I-I-I don’t want to die” he kept repeating, his voice getting lower each time as the realization set in, I could hear him break.

“No matter what happened here tonight, AD was going to leave me.”

“I’m going to die” he whispered and the next thing I heard was the sound of his body hitting the ground. My heart left my body.

My heart was beating fast, but I couldn’t breathe. My hands are shaking, I can’t feel my legs. I can’t breathe, “God abeg”. “God abeg”, “no way I can live like this, ahh God please.” This was the one person that didn’t want to leave me, and life was taking him from me by force.

"I’m scared, I’ve been scared ever since, but nothing has changed, I don’t want to leave you, you’re my forever." His words were numb, his eyes were numb, my Ade was going through pain, all alone, and he never told me, he never let me see, he never let me in, every pain, every day. “You’re not the strongest person in the world, Ade you don’t have to be”, I begged him to listen when his mom died, I told him that he didn’t have to carry the pain alone, that was why I was here, Ade didn’t have to shield me from the rest of the world every time, that was not his job but he won’t listen. This was the most selfish Ade had ever been.

Now, hour after hour we both sat in silence, across from each other, numb to our spirits, with the realization of all our hope and dreams shattering before our eyes, life was mocking us. I felt cold, I know he felt worse but we couldn’t move, not even to each other. Maybe if we sat there long enough, maybe if we sat really still something would happen, anything that wasn’t this, anything. Because we knew, that if we moved, if we dared to move, reality would take over. We lost.

“Till forever?” he asked again for what would be the last time, if only I knew the answer at the time, I would have told him.

“AD It still hurts, even when I close my eyes, even till forever.”