INVSIBLE

INVISIBLE

CHAPTER ONE: NIGHTMARES

There is chaos in my head; my thoughts are restlessly banging against the walls of my mind, it feels like they are in a race, running for freedom. But that doesn’t compare to the speed at which my legs are grazing the ground, barely touching it, not even close. Each leg leaving behind the other, not even waiting for it to reach the ground before taking off again. They are on a mission and so am I. I’m trying to piece it all together. What is going on?

I feel it getting closer, but how can I even tell. The rain crashing down on the earth like they had just been in a fight drowns out every other thing. It's taking over the night like that was its purpose, to distract me and stop me from getting the answer I desperately seek, “what is chasing me?”

Slowly, I feel my legs giving in; they are helpless and bruised. Not that you could tell because the rain did an excellent job washing away the blood from the bottom of my feet like it was never there. The pain feels like nothing now; it doesn’t matter.

Now I hear it getting closer, “any moment from now”, I think.

Struggling to keep my legs moving, I’m relying on the only strength I have left hope. Every breath is keeping me alive, keeping my legs going, I need a way out.

Suddenly I realize we are not alone, they all see me, everyone sees me. Standing on the side watching me run past them, acting like I am putting on an act out of desperation like I was running when no one was chasing me like everything was perfect when we all knew deep down that something was wrong. It was clear I was on the verge of losing myself. It is dark out but I know they see me, how could they not. Everyone is watching me struggle for air, but no one cares. I’m consumed by my helplessness. It bothers not one of them, not a single person. I must really be terrible for no one to care about my pain. My chest hurt now and I’m trying to be strong but I can’t hold back the tears that roll down my face; it kills me they all just watch me struggle to live, fighting to stay alive and one is doing anything, do they not see my pain?, “They must not be watching closely”, I think but deep down I knew for a fact that they all see me and still I’m invisible.

I open my eyes and I’m panting heavily, I’m trying to catch my breath, my pulse is racing and I’m lying in my bed faced by the realization of what had just happened and by the white ceiling above me, I’m drenched in the same sweat that runs down my body. I look round my room quickly just to assure myself of safety, “the same nightmare”, I whisper to myself. But somehow, I was used to them by now. I crawl up and sit at the edge of my bed, right next to my nightstand, where pick up the remote for the lights turning them on. My shirt was damp and was getting uncomfortable, so I take it off and the cold hit me. “I was sweating so much in this cold,” I thought.

I pick up my cane and as I walk towards the toilet; I stumble on something but I don’t feel the need to turn back, I just keep on going slightly frustrated, I had bigger problems to care about today. Standing face down at the sink I wash my face to make sure I am fully awake and no longer dreaming, I look in the mirror on the white wall above the sink, looking at the man before me. Who was this man? Now it was obvious without a doubt that I am incredibly good looking, slow-moving, light-skinned, tall, soft dark hair, reserved but attractive demeanor and damaged right leg which left me with a permanent limp that I’ve been told makes me look both more pitiful and attractive. I might sound biased, but you would know if you saw me. I saw this man; this was the man everyone saw, but who was he? I didn’t recognize him but I saw that he was broken, which something no one else saw; he was invisible. “Hold on tight,” I said in an indistinct voice. It was something I told him every morning and sluggishly I return to sit back down on my bed.

Now I’m looking round my room but this time slower and I can see everything now, from the royal blue kids' soccer ball that almost tripped me a few seconds ago which sat on my pure white shag carpet at the center of the room, to the cardboard boxes of clothes and toys, which were enough to start a clothing store for little boys that sat over at the far end to the left of the room, resting against the clean white wall that leads to the sliding walk-in closet, or the pile of files and documents which is scattered all over the floor of my office area like there had just a hurricane or something, and also the very expensive and very broken glass office desk I bought just a few weeks ago that sat opposite the bed, I even saw the play station 4 hooked up to the 65-inch flat screen TV and home system with ultra sound speakers I have never used, the receipt for all the toys I would return once all this was over didn’t miss my wandering eyes too. I saw everything.

Then it catches my gaze, the one thing my mind has subconsciously tried to avoid, but now I can’t dare look away, my eyes are fixed to it but that doesn’t stop the tears that fall down my cheeks as I pick up from the nightstand a wooden picture frame decorated with macaroni and blue, yellow and green poster paint for kids. “Happy Father’s Day big T, from little T”, it reads right under a picture of Ty and me from his last birthday. There was cake and smiles on both of our faces. I feel my heartbreak; I feel every piece shatter and suddenly the pain I feel turns to anger, causing me to slam the picture frame on the nightstand.

Beep, beep, beep… my alarm clock rings snapping me out of my thoughts. It’s 6:00 am Monday and I hate Mondays, well I hate every day but I especially hate today. I turn off my phone because I don’t want to have to deal will anyone for a few hours until I really had too, not today. Every day felt like a struggle, I was doing fine on the outside because I never needed money; I had a lot of it and I am very successful. I’m doing quite well for myself I must say; I have a top-floor apartment in one of the most expensive parts of Boston, and it was an enormous apartment. Everything I had was either really expensive or antique which was still expensive but yet the house looked modest, nothing too over the top. It was large but my rooms felt empty, my house felt empty, much like my life.

I sound like a typically shallow, rich, entitled guy, probably because I am.

Working hard was one thing that keep me distracted so I just kept working but I was just always in constant pain and it was hardest for me in the morning cause I always wake up to be faced with myself, so I created an entire morning ritual that helped me get in a slightly good frame of mind and get through the day.

What’s good?, my name Tyler Balogun, 21 years old, I have a job at a big tech company, which makes innovation for the future, as the head of the design and marketing team which pays me a lot of money to listen to flighty rich men tell me dumb ideas all day long on how to do my job without actually letting me do my job, which makes it just pointless. They diagnosed me with clinical depression when I was 16 but not like I needed a doctor to tell me that, six years later and no one in my family still knows which is not a shock to me. Typical of them. Today I’m burying the only person who made all this bearable for me, my 5 years old, son.

I feel ungrateful, most people would kill for my life and I hate that I can’t seem to be happy with this life but for me, it’s not one of those days it’s every day only that some are bearable. I hate myself for being like this, sometimes I feel it’s all in my head at least that what they tell me, that it’s not that bad, but it is. My pain is genuine, and it’s killing me. I want to be better and I want to be happy, I’m trying but now I lost the one person who helped me try. I can’t do this alone, and I don’t know how long I can hold on.

My life is the nightmare I desperately wish I could wake up from.

CHAPTER TWO: LITTLE T, BIG T

*five years ago*

I stood at the kitchen counter staring at the sink. The sound of the tap rushing got louder and soon I could no longer hear “f.r.i.e.n.d.s” playing on the TV in the living room. Watching the empty glass cup slowly fill up, every second was longer than the last. It felt like forever. Suddenly everything went quiet, 5000 square feet of the structure, and not a single sound was in the entire house. The glass was full. I turned the tap off and picked up the glass slowly with my left hand, both my hands started shaking and a few pills slipped out of my right hand. No hesitation or pause. It wasn’t time to think, it was my moment of truth. I threw a hand full of pills in my mouth and picked up the glass. Tears rolled my eyes. Then my phone rang, snapping me out of the trance.

“Tyler, please help it’s me Sasha, my water just broke the baby is coming”, the voice wept over the phone. She sounded scared and in shock. She was all alone. The glass slipped from my hand falling to the ground and shattering in the blink of an eye, I could suddenly hear the sound of friends playing in the living room again and the pills in my mouth were quickly in the bin, this child was bigger than what I had decided.

As I drove over to Sasha’s place in the brand-new custom-made grey Nissan GT-R I got for my 17th birthday, I questioned the entire situation. What was I to do? Who was I to call? My dad has been out of the country for two months God knows where closing a deal or something plus I had a higher chance of talking to Kanye West this week than my father, Mum is a big financial consultant so she was in the country but she was at work and she doesn’t take “personal” calls between 9 am and 11 pm when she was at work and it was afternoon now so… and the man of the hour, everyone’s favorite piece of crap Dave was definitely drunk and passed out somewhere in the USA. Somehow this was normal, a typical Sunday in the Balogun family. I felt bad for them, Sasha and the baby for getting mixed up with this dysfunctional family, they both deserved better I thought as I pulled up at Sasha’s house.

She was lying unconscious, bleeding on the floor in the living room when I burst open the door. Immediately I ran over to her, stumbling to the ground beside her. Carrying her in my hands I made my way to my car quickly placing her in the passenger’s seat of my car and soon I was driving 80km/h to the hospital, thank God I told her to get a house close to the hospital when my parents were buying her one, right now I was terrified for her. As soon as I got out to the hospital, I ran over to grab the first person I saw in hospital uniform; I told him she was in labor and unconscious and he ran back inside shouting to his colleagues for back up and soon he was back with five other doctors and a stretcher. As they rushed her to the emergency room I panicked. What if something goes wrong? What would I do? I tried calling mum and dad’s assistants, I even tried calling Dave multiple times but no one answered. I sat on the floor in hospital halls and buried my face in my hand; I was helpless and most of all clueless.

This was a mess.

Sasha and Dave were high school sweethearts, who thought they were in love and only lived in the thrill and fun of the moment. He was good looking, with his big black eyes, fair complexion and athletic figure, he kept a nice afro, always looked neat and valuable. His smile was charming and any girl would fall for how he made them feel special when he smiled at them, and Sasha did. She too was undeniably beautiful, her looks could put any guy in a trance as she walked in the halls. She carried herself with class, like the queen everyone at school saw her as, but she was always so kind and good to others, extremely smart and intelligent. Sasha saw that Dave wasn’t perfect, everyone knew he was far from it, his flaws were obvious but there was just that charm he had. His fly matched her fly. Everyone knew the “it” couple that was Sasha Benson and Dave Balogun, and we all envied them. All that was until he got her pregnant first year of university; they were both 19.

I remember Dave breaking the news to us over dinner, we all sat at the dinner table in silence like we always did, mom had already asked everyone about their day and there was nothing left to talk about so we all just sat and ate our food. When Dave broke the silence the look on mom’s face was priceless, I could see that she wasn’t shocked no one was, I mean it was Dave but it was what he said after that shocked us all. He said plainly that he was not ready to have a child now, and he doesn’t even think he wants children and that Sasha was being unreasonable for wanting to keep it,” I hope you understand but I can’t force myself to do this right now, I have a lot on my plate”, he said. Dad was furious, but I knew he only cared about his company and reputation, “do you have any idea how stupid you sound right now boy, don’t go making mistakes you can’t handle, if the media catches wind of this nonsense you would hate the sight of me, fool”, he said as he walked out of the dinning slamming the door. Mom stood up from her seat and went to hug her son. For someone who wasn’t always there, she sure made him a spoilt idiot. My blood boiled at the way she treated him like he was the victim, “are you serious, you ungrateful idiot, can’t you just take responsibility for your mess like a real man and stop hiding behind your mommy every time you mess up”, I blurt out in anger. “what did you say fool” He stood up almost immediately to come at me, he was looking for a fight and so was I, but mom held him back, turned to me and said, “Tyler you will speak to your older bother with respect, do you hear me”, “yes ma’am” I replied storming out the room, I couldn’t stand those two jokers fool themselves anymore, it was pathetic how she treated him like a toddler it’s like she didn’t know that he was a grown-ass man.

My parents always said “family must always have family’s back”, that was the biggest lie they ever told me because no one in the family has anyone’s back, we act like we do. Dave and Sasha broke up, but it was not a shock to anyone, she said she would force no one to stay with her out of pity and that she would raise the child on her own, but my parents being them insisted on supporting her and the baby financially they even bought her a house after her parents cut her off.

Tyler, Tyler, Tyler doctor Drew called out tapping me on my shoulder waking me up from my sleep, I hadn’t realized I fell asleep on the floor. Doctor Drew was an excellent friend of my dad who delivered Dave and me, he has helped throughout with Sasha and the baby. I sat on the floor half-asleep looking up at him, “you must be tired, what a strong young man you are staying her with Sasha” he said smiling at me, “are you ready to meet the baby” he continued. He led me to Sasha’s room and on the way, he told me it was a very close one for her and the baby but everything was fine now and I felt relieved but more than that I felt happy.

She held him so close to her body, smiling at her son; she has worked so hard to be able to hold him close, and she couldn’t lose him. I stood at the door quietly, watching them, I saw the love between them already, and I felt it. Her face was sad, but yet mesmerizing with bright things on it, bright eyes and a bright passionate mouth. Suddenly her eyes caught my gaze, we looked at each other for a few seconds and tears ran down her cheeks. She was happy but in so much pain and she knew I saw her pain. “Aren’t you going to come and meet your nephew?” she whispered, breaking the silence. She was weak but tried to be strong. I smiled at her walking over to her bed, I sat slowly on the chair by her bed admiring the baby, she gestured for me to carry him and I did. He was small and so fragile, my hands shook a little, I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. His eyes were closed, but he clenched his hand together and moved his feet a bit. He was beautiful. He was light-skinned, he had beautiful curly black hair all over his head, and his face was the best thing I’ve ever seen. After a while the nurse came in to check Sasha and the baby, she told me I had to let him rest and put him in a cot beside Sasha’s bed.

“Thank you for everything T, you saved both mine and my son’s life, I’m grateful because you were always there for us, you gave us a chance and showed us, love, you didn’t have to but you did. I’m really grateful,”. “Hey you know I got you, no need to thank me we family right,” I replied smiling, “I hope one he grows up to be half the man you are T,” she continued, putting her hand on my shoulder, no one called me except her, it always made me feel good. But she was wrong I hope he grows up to be a better man than I am, one that is happy and not just makes others happy.

As we had been talking, she pulled her braids in a high loose bun with a few strands of hair falling around her face. She did that when she was nervous or felt awkward. “So what are you going to name this handsome devil,” I said changing the mood, “it’s my son you are calling devil Tyler” she joked, and we both laughed, she was always smiling even in the darkest times she smiled and I couldn’t help but smile too. “Ty, Ty Balogun, that’s his name,” she said, “I’m confused, Ty as in Tyler” I replied. She smiled at me and said “no Ty as in Ty just Ty, also it’s not bad if he grows up with a part of his uncle, someone he can always look up to”, I pulled her into a hug, she thought way too highly of me, I wasn’t that great, I wasn’t great at all. “I mean I’m not complaining I like it, T and T,” I said, “oh oh I know, little T and big T, that sounds way better,” she said with so much excitement, “really that is so cringing,” I said and we both burst into laughter. “How does she have so much energy?” I thought.

“Little T, big T,” I said under my breath, I was right it was so cringe but it felt good. They were both finally asleep, so I left. I told her I would leave when they were both asleep and be back the next morning before going to school.

A week later, my mom went to see Sasha at her home, she didn’t stay a full hour but left her a lot of money and clothes, toys, all that stuff and it wasn’t until a few months before Dave “agreed” to see the baby. No one cared that his name was Ty, or that I saw Sasha and the baby every other day; they probably didn’t care enough to notice. As time went by Dave only became more of a deadbeat father but, to be honest, he was never even a father, mum and dad saw Ty when during a few holidays like Christmas and always made sure Sasha had a ton of money to take care of herself and Ty but I only got more involved in Sasha and the baby’s lives.

Ty was now my reason to stick around. The pain was still there, but now I had a reason to endure it. His little heart was so pure and full of joy, he was a carefree child, always smiling and those big black eyes; they made me want to be there. They both were my reason to stay, but. But I would never dare tell Sasha how I really felt about her, she always said as a joke, “T, you’re like my little brother but you are also my son’s father, see our messed up family” and we would laugh because I was just 17 and already a dad but she was right he was my son and all three of us knew that in our hearts so I couldn’t do that to her, I wasn’t that selfish so I keep those feelings locked away like I did most of my other feelings and I wanted to be better for Ty because I needed him more than he needed me.

At a point, I realized that I was already too attached to get out.

CHAPTER 3: FUNERALS AND PILLS

Standing erect, hands behind my back, chest out and head up. Just like my father taught me. Lol. I’m looking straight ahead into the full-size mirror in my walk-in closet, black tie on, black shirt, black custom-made suit from Ermenegildo Zegna, black shoes, Kenneth Cole shoes. “Full drip,” I thought. (Sarcastic humor is how I deal with life). I pick up my Rolex from the dressing table and slowly put it on my right wrist, I’m not doing too badly for myself and I wasn’t looking too bad for the occasion either. Wait, I feel like I sound like a typical rich, proud, superficial guy. Ok, the thing is I’m not it’s just how I relate with the world. You probably still think I’m shallow or something. Oh well.

Still, I can’t stand to look at the man in the mirror for long, slowly tears run down my face. I hate him. He was about to get into his car and attend his own son’s funeral.

If I didn’t have Ty, what then did I have? Who did I have? I lost everything, my will to live was gone and I have never felt more like that 17 years old kid that had given up on life than I did right now. I had lost. My son was my reason to live, to hold and hope for a better day, but instead I watched him slip out of my life slowly, slowly, and slowly until he wasn’t there anymore. It was my fault.

My heart feels heavy, I’m struggling to breathe, sweating profusely and gasping for air, and I take off my tie swiftly and throw it to the ground. I’m chocking, my lungs are failing me, and I suddenly realize that my closet isn’t looking so big anymore. Looking around the room, turning and turning what exactly am I looking for? I’m hitting my chest now in a panic, it feels like my lungs were locked up and the tears were the only thing that came out of me. I can’t breathe. My head is spinning and slowly I start to feel dizzy.

I pause for a second, still panting heavily, before I take another look at the man standing in front of me in the mirror. All I see is the boy five years ago that should have given up, that should have never answered that phone because this was much worse, having hope and then losing it. I shouldn’t have given him hope just so he could lose it all. And now I’m questioning the decisions I made in the past, the decision to live and cling to hope. It doesn’t seem worth it now.

I hate the man I was; I hate the man I saw; I hate the man I am, I just hate you Tyler Olanrewaju Balogun, because he had no one, he was a pathetic man and it killed me.

My mind flashes back to memories of that broken, lonely, sad teenager. He didn’t just need hope; he needed someone to see he was hurt and care just a little; he didn’t just need to live for someone he needed to live because he wanted to; he needed someone to make him feel safe. He needed help, so much help. I felt bad for him but the sight of him made me mad, I just can’t stand him.

Suddenly everything stops. Now I can’t hold back anymore and without hesitation, or thinking (sounds familiar) I smashed my head into the full-size mirror in front of me, shattering it into a thousand pieces. Glass is everywhere, all over my body and the floor. Slowly I stumble to the ground, on tiny pieces of glass. But that didn’t matter to me right now, not even in the least. A drop of blood falls on my shirt, then a few more, and before I know it blood is running down my face from my forehead, and now the top part of my shirt was a new shade of black-red that looks like a low budget tie-dye project.

I take off my shirt…

Now I’m leaving my apartment in a bit of haste, I was late already. Fresh shirt, new tie, new suit, oh but I still had my Kenneth Cole on. Good as new, except for the fact that my head was now wrapped in bandage dressing, I smell of menthol spirit and the pack of anti-depressant I doused down and threw in my coat pocket. Like I said, good as new.

Now don’t be so confused, I was fine, well sort of, but I was used to it by now, it was normal, kind of like a routine, I hurt myself, clean myself up and act as nothing happened. Crazy, I know. It happened so often growing up and no one really noticed that I wasn’t just hurt physically, so I just got skilled at taking care of all my wounds and not just the physical ones.

Pathetic

I use my cane to push the “G” button on the elevator as I step in, and the door closes. It’s 10:47 am now, and I was late to my son’s funeral.

By now I had missed the church service, so I went straight to the graveyard for the last ceremony.

Everyone was here. Everyone, a bunch of people, uncles, aunties, distant relatives, and family friends, even Dave was here, for crying out loud the media was here so I was sure my parents were here too. Even his school teacher whom he always talked about, and I’m pretty sure he had a little crush on was here. An entire gathering of people dressed in black, with sober looks on their faces and tears in their eyes, mourning a child they never even knew existed until his death, he didn’t even know he had this much “family” and I wasn’t so crazy about them either.

But what was I even complaining about? It was a sunny day, birds chirping and flowers blooming. Ty would have given anything to go outside on a day like this. Besides, we are all outside so it wasn’t stuff and chocked up, considering the number of people here. I didn’t know Ty was popular like that. Oh, wait, he isn’t.

Mum and Dad stood right at the front with the media surrounding them, and I wasn’t even surprised. They look good, especially mum. She always looked good, though. My parents always enjoyed the attention, they were always in the news and it was good for business, no press is bad press, but I didn’t think they would do this, that’s heartless even for them. I could already see tomorrow’s headline- “Business tycoon and multi-millionaire Femi O. Balogun and wife mourn the loss of their grandson and heir to the Balogun Empire”. I was feeling sick already. Their son Dave even honored the occasion, he’s standing by a tree with his friends perching all around him like they always did, worthless excuses for men. He looked neutral, has on that same clueless and unbothered look he always has, and he was on his phone. Does this bastard even know he just lost his son? How insulting. My blood is boiling; the mere sight of him flared my irritation. I clench my fingers into a fist so hard my nails cut into my skin. Dave and I were not the best of brothers and over the years, we only grew apart, but the day my son died was also the day my brother died. He was dead to me.

It wasn’t just fair. This is my son, dead, in a casket, not smiling, not laughing, he was dead. And they had the media here.

A small hand brushed my shoulder; it’s warm and soft, familiar too. It felt reassuring. “T” the voice called out and, in a moment, I knew who it was. “Hey,” I said, turning around slowly. It was Sasha. Sasha was standing in front of me, and the first thing I saw was her pain. Her pain, not her long black hair, braided only halfway or her swollen brown eyes red with tears, or the bright red lips and melanin popping skin, it wasn’t all this, it was her pain and for the first time it overshadowed how beautiful she was. She looked sick. It looked at me and did the best she could do trying to smile, but it was obvious she hasn’t smiled much lately. I couldn’t gather the courage to say another word, what would I say, so we both just stood there for a while accompanied by the pain we both shared. Tears ran down her face, she tried to stop them but they still fell, she was broken and so I pull her into a hug, so she could give some of her pain to me, so I could share in her grief, I’m holding her tight and I can feel her shaking in my arms, her face buried in my chest, “thanks” she stuttered.

“Gracious Lord we ask that you send your spirit to comfort this family and help them through this troubled times, we pray that they shall not suffer a loss like this again and that may the soul of our precious boy rest in peace with you”, the minister said a final prayer and everyone said “Amen”. Now it was all over, “Ty was gone now” I thought looking over at Sasha who was now standing over by her parents, still in tears. Slowly everyone was leaving and as soon as mom and dad spoke with Sasha they left too and so did the media. Sasha and a couple of her family members and friends were still around, even her parents were still here, who would think after all these years of not forgiving her because she had a child they would be there for her now that he’s gone. They were all gathered under an enormous oak tree just by the entrance of the graveyard, comforting Sasha and making sure she was alright. I wanted to see how she was doing now but I was probably the last person her family would want to see now so I just got in my car and sat there, waiting for them to leave.

“What was he still doing here,” I thought as I looked over from my side mirror at the graveyard, “what was he doing standing by Ty’s grave”. It was a little too late to play the role of caring father but there Dave was standing by Ty’s grave, “why doesn’t my daddy love me big T”, my mind flashed back to the face of that little boy that didn’t know why his father didn’t love him, the tear in his eyes and pain in his voice, he was only five. Suddenly I felt all the rage and pain I had suppressed rise. He didn’t have the right to stand over by that grave, not today, not ever. I have to end it now, I thought as I got out of my car, slamming the door violently behind me…

“What are you still doing here”, I said as I walked up to Dave, standing beside him with my both hands In my pocket, “don’t you think it’s time you left already or do you not have anywhere else to be useless”, I clenched both my fists in my pocket. “You better check that tone of yours or do I need to remind you that this is my son’s funeral we at,” Dave said as he turned towards me, glaring straight into my eyes. “Or should I say your son because you always played the role of world’s best dad, and I see the way to look at that girl you two probably slept…”- I didn’t let him finish, suddenly my right fist was out of my pocket and slamming into his face. Blood pooled out of his mouth and immediately he rushed at me, plunging his fist into my stomach. It was like a car crashing into a tree. This fight was long overdue and, in a few seconds, we were both on the floor tumbling over the dirt of Ty’s grave, pounding the life out of each other, I guess you are ready to meet your son again he said as he delivered another blow right on my left eye. Sasha and her family had seen us and ran over, her older brother Spencer and uncle stepped right in pulling us both apart, I looked over at Sasha who was standing there with tears in her eyes and immediately my heart drops.

“Are you both insane”, she yelled at us, “this is the same pathetic reason my son isn’t here today” she continued with tears in her voice. “Don’t you both even have respect for my boy that you both couldn’t wait to go home before acting like you are both on drugs?” I looked over at her family, they were all speechless but it was obvious I disappointed them; they always saw me as the pleasant one, at least not until now. Dave looked me in the eye before spitting out blood on the grass and walking out, I just stood there, covered in mud, blood on both my knuckles both mines and his and bruises all over my face.

Sasha walked over to me and sat beside me on the grass, just as she had convinced her family to go back home without her. She just sat there, she didn’t shout or say anything; she was just there beside me. We sat for about 30 minutes without saying a word; we were just sharing in each other’s pain. We had this connection that just went beyond words, but it wasn’t a romantic one, I guess we just understood each other’s pain well. I looked over at the person before me. She was hurt, but she was also stunning. Her pain was no longer overshadowing her beauty. This was the strongest woman I knew, and how did she always come out of every mess glowing. “How do you do it,” I asked, “do what” she replied a bit puzzled, “look so stunning and at peace no matter what goes on in your life or around you”, I said. She smiled at me leaning toward me and whispered “I have Jesus” and as she started pulling away she said, “and I know he’s with me in every storm so just hold on to him”, I pulled her back leaning in for a kiss- “it’s time to go T” she said turning her face away and getting off the floor.

“I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have done that it was very wrong of me,” I said as I pulled up at her home, “its fine T she said placing her hand on my shoulder and smiling at me”. There she goes again, she just had a way of pulling me back into her spell with that smile, and it always makes me feel at peace like I was on Cloud 9. It was like a pill. She was like my pill.

I picked up the phone later that night and made a phone call, one I knew I would regret in the morning, but I didn’t care. What Sasha said at the graveyard stuck with me.

CHAPTER 4: FIRST SESSION

There is pressure in my heart to be better for you

There is pressure in my chest to be better for you

But how good am I to myself that I could be any better for you?

Better for you by kiish, Dr. Katherine Chang recited the poem, crossing her legs as she finishes. “What a tacky poem.” I thought.

“You are suffering from clinical depression, Mr. Tyler” she continues. My heart drops as soon as those words hit my ears. This was a fact I always knew but, for some reason, hearing it out loud made it so much more daunting. After all these years, it turns out someone else could tell what I was going through. I knew I was depressed, but I had never really heard someone say it in a while, not until now.

So, as I sat in Dr. Chang’s office as she tried to figure out what was wrong with me, the aftermath of the phone call I had made the night of the funeral was starting to feel real. I thought back to last night, to Sasha and what she said, “I have Jesus…” those words stuck with me, they kept me up all night because I just couldn’t understand it. I’m not really a believer but it did something in me and I decided that for me the first step was to get some help, professional help. So, I reached out to one of the best therapists in the state, who was a friend of a friend, and as soon as I was out of the office today, I went to see her.

Now I was sitting in on the couch in her office, trying to stay relaxed as she said just a few minutes ago “try to relax, I don’t bite” while looking right at me with a smile, and somehow, I found her comment and smile quite funny. Tapping my foot on the floor (my left one that is), I’m trying to contain how impatient I was getting. I just want to be up and done with this session so I could get some sort of closure cause I was starting to feel strongly uncomfortable by all these but instead, I’m on a couch that’s way too ‘comfortable’ watching my therapist go through notes she has had all morning for the past couple of minutes.

“Sorry if we could start now, that’ll be great. I’m not trying to stay here too long” I blurted out, causing her to look at me from her notes. “So, I’m going through the file you filled out in the reception” she said taking off her glasses, “and it says here that you just lost your nephew, how does that feel?” she asked making eye contact with me. “How is that even important?” I asked triggered by that statement. I was starting to feel irritated now, “You know what never mind, this was a mistake.” I said picking up my cane and walking towards the door as quickly as I could. This was feeling pointless to me already. Why did I even come here in the first place? “I’m so sorry, Dr. Chang, I just don’t think any of this would change anything for me,” I said standing by the door eager to leave. And judging by how calm she looked, she wasn’t surprised. “But what if it does, she said, having hope scares you…” “I’ll send you a check I said cutting her off as I left her office.”

As soon as I got into the elevator and hit the ground floor button with my cane, I got a call and the caller read, Mrs. Balogun, “my God how impeccable is her timing?” I thought in my head. I didn’t feel like I had the strength to deal with whatever this woman was about to say. “The funeral was over, so what could she possibly want from me?” I thought as I slammed my fist into the elevator wall. I couldn’t see any reason why she had to call. The further away I was from them, the more I could stay sane. She calling randomly was just bound to mess with my mental health further and that was unfair. I was already upset because I knew, I just knew there was nothing she could say that wouldn’t make me uncomfortable or cause my mind to hurt. Sadly, this is my mother and anyone hearing me think like this might think I’m so cold or what could she have done to hurt me so bad, don’t worry being rude and cold is just Balogun nature.

I just got off the elevator and she was calling for the third time already. “E ku iro le ma.” I said in a tired voice as I picked up the phone finally. “Eh ehn ba wo ni Lanre? I’ve been calling you for a while, why didn’t you answer?” She asked sounding so upset by the fact I missed her calls, twice, like it was normal for her to call in the first place. “Ma, I was in a meeting at the office and I just got out, I’m sorry ma. Is there something you need?” I enquired “please go straight to the point” I begged in my head. “Anyways, your father wants you home by 8:30 pm, we decided to have a family dinner with you and your brother, it’s been a while. (more like years, I thought) I just feel like the funeral is over and it’s time we all moved on and put everything behind us.” She said.

You couldn’t even read any emotions from the way she spoke on the phone. “So that means you want me to come over not dad?” I asked. I didn’t care, I just asked, “What difference does it make? Everyone is trying to make an effort in this family so just be there.” She replied. I could tell now that she was as done as I was with this call. “No, there is a difference and no one in this family is making… just never mind. It’s a little too late to spring this you on me thing, don’t you think? I’ll see if I can make it. Bye” I said. “Lanre stop being difficult and come, it’s just one dinner. It won’t kill you” She was getting irritated because I wouldn’t just shut up and do what she wants like a good son. “But it probably will kill me.” I thought as I hung up immediately.

“Was I so terrible? Did I really deserve all this pain? After all these years and I still walk around with so much pain in my heart. Was it so hard for them to see how broken I was? How broken this family was? I’m 21, I’m my own man, big, smart and strong, I seem like I have it all together. Some guys envy the life I have, but I would trade it all in a heartbeat. I’m a grown-ass black man but I sound like a teenage girl. Just the thought of my family awakes a different kind of pain in me. It still brings tears to my eyes, my heart still feels heavier than ever, like these people just couldn’t stop stumping on it. I was already broken, but through the years, they broke me more. No one saw my pain not even once; it’s been six years and I’ve tried to commit suicide more than once. Still, no one saw I was hurt. I pretend everything is good, so people don’t walk over my feelings but not anymore. I’m done with all that. I don’t know if you understand.”

“I do…” Dr. Chang replied. Yes, I had gone back to her office after hanging up the phone. I couldn’t deal with this anymore. I didn’t have Ty anymore and the thought that I was alone made me scared as I stood in the lobby feeling cold and my hands shaking. “Maybe I should just leave as little T did, it’s not like I’m even wanted around anymore.” My head ran with lots of thoughts, I just stood there lost in my pain. “Mr. Tyler, I think you should come back up. I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable, but I think you need this, we all do.” Dr. Chang said snapping me out of my thoughts, I didn’t even realize her hands were on my shoulder until then. With tears in my eyes that I fought so hard to make sure that they didn’t drop, we went back up the elevator. I didn’t want to seem weak any more than I already did.

So now we were back in her office, I sat back down on the couch and bled my heart out.

“I do, it’s like we’re in a plane and sometimes we lose sight of the horizon when flying. We’re plunging and we don’t even realize it. All the signals tell us that we’re going down but we ignore it. Sometimes, we don’t even see it until it’s too late to pull back up and then we crash. That’s depression and in moments like this, when we are falling, we wonder why the people that are supposed to be our family or friends didn’t see us falling or why they don’t see the signals. We want those closest to us to be the ones to catch us when we fall but sometimes, they are not and the reality of this human nature pulls us down more.” She said as she looked right into my eyes with hers. Her eyes were black, and they were piercing me with those words. It’s like she saw right through me but that was her job, I guess.

“And now for the past six years for me, it feels like I’ve just been a walking shell. I’ve questioned every decision I’ve made up to now, including staying alive. It’s hard for me to keep seeing them the same way. My family or people in general. It’s probably because I can’t feel them care because if I even try a little, just a little with my family, I always end up broken and it never ends well. For me being a black man is one thing, but being African, it’s like I’m not allowed to feel this way. It’s like we Africans can’t be depressed, we have so much to do than waste time being depressed or talking about our feelings. Growing up in my family, if something was wrong or we felt sad, we just ignored it. No one talked about it. I remember one afternoon; I think I was about 17 at the time and I just had a huge argument with my parents. I cried my eyes out in my room, I couldn’t breathe at all, I just felt so broken. I was tired of everything and I felt suffocated simply by the fact that I was alive. I slammed my hands into the wall and even my head a few times and I just fell on my bed and broke apart. Then a while later, as I just laid there numb, from my mind to my body, my dad walked in. I can never forget. He looked into my bloodshot eyes, my broken spirit and said, “you acting like this because I corrected you. You better pull yourself together” and he just left.

Dr. Chang paused for a second, trying to process what I just said, and said: “Mr. Tyler, a lot of the pain you feel has only grown because of the relationship with your parents, your family and your upbringing. It has only made it hard for you deal with anxiety and depression. Bottling in a lot of pain at such a young age has only broken you further. Depression doesn’t care about your background honestly, but for you, the relationship with your family has only pulled you further into depression instead of help you out.” “Let me ask you a question, when did you realize you were depressed? I mean when did you feel everything started falling apart?” She asked picking up her pen in a writing position.

“I guess when I was 17. I guess that was the peak of it all. That was when it all came crashing down, I guess, I don’t really remember.” I answered looking unsure, but I was sure, I remembered everything but I didn’t want to sound too broken, even though I was, I was feeling vulnerable enough with everything I had shared with her already, “well since we're guessing now,”, she said looking back at me with a smile, “I’m guessing you realized your family was this broken when you were 17, I mean up until then they were just dysfunctional to you but the fact that they couldn’t even see you falling into depression, that opened your eyes, it broke you more, you felt worthless and alone, am I right?” “Yeah, I guess so,” I replied, I found meaning in everything she said, she was right, it was like she stole the words out of my head, but I just said, I guess so. “Oh, we’re still guessing Mr.”… “you can just call me Tyler,” I added immediately, “ok, Tyler,” she said getting up and heading for the coffee maker behind her desk, I thought it was rather late in the day to be having coffee, “well Tyler we have to stop guessing and starting being open, let’s try an exercise, shall we, oh coffee?...”

I got into my car and put my head on the steering wheel; I needed a moment to process everything I had talked about with Dr. Chang; I needed to just pause. Brrzzzzzzzzt… brrzzzzzzztt… I pulled my phone out of my pocket. Who was this again? I thought as I picked up the call “Hello” I said in a sharp tone. “Hey, T it’s Sasha. Sorry to disturb you, you sound busy.” She said in a very low voice, she picked her words and mumbled on them it was like she was struggling to find her words. Something was up.” What’s wrong? Talk to me, where are you?” I responded. In the blink of an eye I sat up, putting my key into the ignition, “No it’s fine really, it’s just that… wait, he did what??” I said as Sasha told me what was going o. I was confused, it didn’t make any sense.”

“Sasha, I’m so sorry about all this, I’ll find out what’s going on, don’t worry about it.” I said turning on my engine ”Ok thanks so much” “It’s nothing, I’ll call you later.” I replied, ending in the call as I pulled out of the parking lot. The time was 7:00 pm already, and I was driving 60 miles per hour right now, my hands clutched the steering wheel as I drove. That bastard had the guts, he actually... beep beep… I honked for the driver in front of me.

Ding dong, ding dong… Baba opened the door as soon as it rang. “E ka le baba” I greeted bending a little. “Ah ah ah, Olanrewaju, omo mi, is this you?” He asked. He was as shocked as I was to be back home, his old, tired eyes lit up as he grinned from side to side then slowly moved toward me shaking, “Ah Baba no o. Don’t stress yourself” I said stopping him as I moved towards him, pulling him into a hug. He was old but his hug was firm.” “Baba I’ve missed you, let’s go inside it’s cold” I said as I ushered him inside shutting the door behind me. Baba was my parent’s butler. Yes, they had a butler and since I was a little boy, He was like a father to Dave and I. He took us to school, games. Simply said, everywhere we went, He went.

“Baba where is everyone?” I asked looking around the house like I was a stranger as I strolled into the living room. It’s nice to see nothing has changed. I said to myself. “They are all in the dining room” He said taking off my coat. “Even Dave” I said immediately. “Yes, your brother is here too. He has been here for the past few days. Let me leave you to join them” He said about leaving. “No Sir, are you leaving me already? It’s not like I’m in a hurry to see them.” I added pulling him back.

“Big T don’t say that nau” He said with a little frown on his face as we sat on the couch. “Yes sir, I’ve heard you. How is little Tiwa? it’s been long since I heard from her” I said changing the topic with a smile. “Ah Tiwa is fine. She is getting married next year, she just graduated a few months back.” He replied with pride. Tiwa was his only daughter, his pride and joy. She was all he had since his wife died during child birth. She was practically his everything. “Wow, you mean that Tiwa was this big?” I said gesturing with my hands even though she was older than me with a few years and we both burst into laughter. “Ah Baba, I’ve missed you o” I said placing my hand on his.

“How is your leg La… Baba don’t you think you should have told us Tyler was here instead of sitting here and chatting? You must have something better to do right?” My mother rudely asked cutting Baba off as she walked into the living room. She was obviously telling him to leave. “You’re right ma, Lanre and I were just catching up a bit” He replied standing up from his seat. “I’ll talk to you later my boy.” He continued as he left the living room. We both watched him leave and my mom made sure he had gone before continuing, “Your father has been waiting for you and you’re here talking with that man,” she said as she approached where I was sitting. As soon as she was standing in front of me, I got up to greet her and she hugged me briefly. “Come join us” she continued as she leads me into the dining room.

“Everyone, Tyler is here.” She announced as she sat back down on her seat. My father looked up from his paper, folding it into two as he was sitting at the far end of the table. Dave was on his phone and he didn’t even bother to look up. He sat at the left of Dad, opposite of Mum and there was a white lady beside him. The fact that he brought a new girl to every dinner was now like a tradition for us and no one seemed to be bothered. “Good evening everyone I greeted.” “Hmm Tyler, nice of you to join us.” My Dad commented looking at me. Somehow that look of disappointment was still on his face. “Come here Tyler, sit beside me.’’ My Mum said tapping the chair beside her as I walked towards her. Dinner had already started; jollof rice and fried rice with assorted meat, salad and a fruit bowl. The help approached me serving my dish as everyone else continued with theirs. “It’s so nice of you to join us Tyler. It has been a while since we had a family dinner, isn’t it dear?”, my mom over sweetly asked trying to break the awkward silence that filled the room. “Hm, it is” My dad replied.

“Well I guess you both can thank me because the only reason he’s here is because I threatened to kick his girlfriend out of her house” Dave said with a smirk on his face as he placed his cutlery down turning his attention to my parents and I, looking for a reaction out of us. I bet he felt so proud of himself, he craved constant approval for our parents and felt like he did them a favor by making sure I was at this dinner.

“Can’t just help being a bastard, can you?” I said slamming my fork on the table. For a moment everyone paused. They could not speak, all eyes were frozen on me, an outburst like this from me was something they had never seen. “What did you say?” Dave asked getting up from his seat. You could tell that his eyes were lusting for a fight. He pressed his knuckles against the table and his guest held on to his arm, trying to calm him down. I tried to contain the rage growing in me. “Sit back down Dave.” Mom said in a calm voice like she didn’t know her son. He started working towards me and as soon as he got to my seat, I got up facing him head-to-head, eye-to-eye, nose-to-nose. The tension in the room was twice what it was two seconds ago. Dad just sat there, he never got in the middle of fights like this. He was too important for such I guess; he just sat there, relaxed his back and crossed his feet. Mom looked like her heart was about to leave her body and well the lady just sat there. I couldn’t care less how she was feeling right now.

“Am I wrong little bro? Correct me if I’m wrong but we all know you’re sleeping with the…” “Both of you shut up now” Dad commanded, thumping his right fist on the table shaking every piece of glassware on the table. His hands were quaking and his lips quivering, his infuriation roared from his eyes. Mom put her hands on his shoulder rubbing her hands on his to calm him down. “Fools” he sighed.

“Yes, Dad you’re right. I’m sorry, we can’t be causing a sense like this in front of my unborn child” Dave said turning away from me as he looked over at his guest and smiled. Her eyes lit up the moment Dave announced the baby. She smiled back at him, placing her hand on her stomach. “Wait what?” I asked startled looking at my parents. They didn’t seem surprised in the slightest bit; it was obvious I was the only one just finding out. “What does he mean Mom?” I queried looking right at my mother searching her eyes for some answers. My head felt like it was in a circus and I was spinning around in utter confusion. “This has to be a joke, right?” I thought. My brain was struggling to process what was going, my eyes as wide as they could be any for a moment I paused until my mind could process what was going on. I was frozen from head to toe.

“Tell me this is a joke” I said staring right at Mom. She knew why I was staring at her so much, she knew I blamed her and her guilt caused her to look away, avoiding my eyes. “No, this has to be a joke, are you kidding me? Dave, you couldn’t just keep it between your legs” I said now staring at Dave who was now sitting by his girl, holding her hands and enjoying me wallow in confusion. Dad just got up and left as his wife buried her face in her hands. I was pretty sure the entire staff knew what was going on by now based on how loud my voice was. “Hey you don’t get to talk to me like that, you better watch your mouth boy” Dave replied pointing his finger at me.

“Oh I’m sorry, just please tell me how long has it been since your first child died? You know the same son you rejected for the past six years, yeah that one. The one whose mother cried almost every night because you and your parents put her through literal hell, the one we literally just did a funeral for. Do you remember that son?” I asked banging my hand on the table as I spoke. “Do you even desire to sit down there with that stupid smile on your face uhn?” Judging by the look on her face, it was obvious Dave’s new girl didn’t know about Ty and Dave glared at me. He clenched his fists so hard his veins were clear as crystal, the fire burning in his eyes consumed him from the inside and every word I said only burned that fire more and any second from now, he was going to explode. “That’s enough. Just stop it now!” Mom yelled raising her hands in the air, her eyes red with pain. “I think you should leave now Tyler.” She said wiping the tears that she had in her eyes before they had a chance to fall. Dave just sat there boiling in fury as his new baby mama tried to get some answers from him about what I was talking about. “It’s fine, I was just leaving.” I said picking up my cane, “I think you also should do the same if you care about that baby Miss.” I said as I walked out of the room.

“Dave really had the guts to have another child just a few months after his son died and now, he’s trying to act like nothing ever happened. So now he wants to be a good father after everything he put Ty and Sasha through and his parents just sat there acting like everything about this was not messed up, acting like their grandson didn’t just die. So, Sasha gets to go through life missing and mourning her boy but these people, this family they just move on. He was just a little boy.” Tears rolled down my face as I drove off in my car. My thoughts were all over the place, my heart only broke the more as I thought about what Sasha and her son went through and now this…. “honk honk!” I horned for the car in front of me. I just had to get out, I was done with them, I was done with all this.

Knock knock knock, the door opened… “Sa-Sasha” I said gasping for air and I immediately collapsed on the floor.

CHAPTER 5: NO ORDINARY DAY.

I wake up the next morning with my head banging as if Rocky was in a boxing match up there and he was obviously winning. I slowly try to sit up, quickly realizing that I was on a couch. “Why am I on the couch?” I questioned myself. “No, no, no no no” I say in a gloomy voice as I slowly remembered all that happened last night. On my way home from my parents’ house, I had a lot on my mind and my thoughts were eating me up. The anger in me was just feeding off the thought of what Sasha and Ty went through and now Dave does this. This would break Sasha; her son was barely in the grave and his father was already having another child with someone else.

So, I decided to clear my mind off all these thoughts, everything was just too much and even if I wasn’t much of a drinker, I stopped at the nearest bar I saw on my way and I just got wasted. It was like with every thought that came into my head, I opened a new bottle. “Sasha needs to know, I can’t just let her be blindsided by this, no I can’t” I thought. So I decided to go to Sasha’s apartment no matter how late it was. I just didn’t think about it, I was drunk and lucky for me I was very close to Newbury which was where Sasha’s apartment was. So, I stumbled to my feet and managed to stand by the edge of the street and call myself a cab to her apartment. “Wait did I even pay at the bar?” I thought as I searched my pocket for my phone.

I’m looking around Sasha’s living room, searching for my phone. It was not in my pocket or my coat. So, I check around a bit to see if she placed it somewhere else. She always kept a tidy home, always liked everything in place. Even when Ty was around, she never let him mess up the house, she would yell at him and also at me for letting him scatter things. I’ve always thought she had a bit of OCD so everything I moved from its place, I made sure to put back.

“Ah there it is”, I sighed. It was charged by the tv stand; she must have plugged it in. The time is 8:20 am on my phone and I immediately figured that Sasha must be at work already. She worked in an accounting firm and also never liked to be late. Now I’m pacing around the room in circles looking at my phone. I had 5 missed calls from Casey, my assistant and a couple of message notifications I didn’t bother with. Today was going to be busy, I have a meeting with the people from Ski Inc. about some new software but Casey knew 5 was always the limit, even today. I’m standing at the window about to give Casey a call and tell her to push back my meetings a few hours until I heard, “Good morning T, I see you must have recovered from last night” Sasha said from behind me causing me to drop my phone as I turned to look at her. I didn’t expect her to still be home.

“Sa-Sasha hey” I stuttered as I picked up my phone from the floor. She had a cup of coffee in her right hand and a smile on her face. She doesn’t look set for work at all, her hair is down and all over her face. She’s in a big t-shirt and shorts. Seems like she just got up. “Calm down T, are you surprised to see me in my house?” She jokily asked walking towards me, “Here” She said, handing me the cup of coffee in her hand after taking a sip out of it. “No, I just thought you would be at work,” I said with my left brow up as I took the cup from her and drank the coffee. “You mean go to work and leave you in my apartment alone? No, I’ve learned my lesson from that.” She said looking at me for a second and before we both knew it, we burst out into laughter. “Besides you sounded like you had something important to say last night.”

I knew Sasha would not let last night go but honestly, I really couldn’t explain all this to her right now. I wasn’t thinking straight last night and I have a meeting to attend this morning. “Sasha, I’m so sorry about last night but I have” … “but you have to go” she said cutting me off as she headed for the couch. She knew me and she knew it wasn’t the right time. It was like she could read people’s emotions. “Get washed up quickly, I’ll drive you.” She offered as she sat down on the couch sipping on the coffee, she gave me and then took back from me.

*****

“Thanks for the ride Sash.” I said as soon as she pulled up in my parking space. She drove me to work in her car because I probably lost mine last night. “I’ll call you later in the day.” I said pulling her into a hug. “No, no, don’t think you’re getting off so easy today, we’re having dinner tonight and you can’t say no.” She commanded as she pushed me back and grabbed my phone setting a reminder on my phone for tonight. “I understand, you know I love you.” I laughed getting out of the car. “You should be happy to be having dinner with me dead guy because you don’t have friends and I love you too!” She yelled as She pulled out of the parking lot waving her hand out of the window. “What, no kiss!?” I yelled back, laughing to myself. She was only this free and hyper once in a while and it simply made me relieved that she was still doing fine. We’ve always been close and even though she was in Dave’s class, we were close from the start. In fact, Dave met Sasha through me and maybe that’s why I blame myself so much for all he put her through. I’m not going to lie that if Dave didn’t ask her out, I was going to but she always saw me as a little brother and frankly, I was just desperately trying to get in my brother’s good book back then, so I stepped back.

The elevator door opened on the 13th floor which read D&M TEAM. I was the Director of the Design and Marketing department of TCB cooperation; I got the position as soon as I got out of Princeton University. My design for an electric generator that runs on solar energy, more or less called a solar generator simply went wild. TCB has always be known as a corporation interested in innovation so so they made me a director but rumor has it in the company that I got this job because of my dad and sometimes I think it’s true. I’m just too afraid to find out.

“Good morning sir” “Good morning sir” The staff greeted me as I walk out of the elevator to my office. I just kept walking as they greeted, looking ahead with a straight face. One would find it hard to believe that I was the same man smiling in the parking lot a few minutes ago. A few employees on my floor gossiped as to why I didn’t respond to anyone’s greeting but some were used to it. This was going to my second year in this company and there has only been one other day where I acted so cold towards everyone. It was on this particular day, one year ago.

I got to my office and slammed the door behind me causing everyone on the floor to shake. Knock, “Good morning sir.” Casey said as she walks into my office shaking. “Sir would you like me to bring you erm-m bring you coffee? … sir” “I’m sorry about this mo-morning” she stammered. I just sat there staring at her with my fist clenched for a while before I finally spoke. “I would like for you not to go against my orders and leave 5 missed calls on my phone.” I said in a stern tone. “Yes sir, I’m very sorry. It won’t happen again.” she pleaded with her head down. “Did you cancel the meeting with Ski?” I asked. “No sir. I was waiting for your go ahead, that’s why I called a fifth-time sir.” She answered looking at me. “Cancel it.” “Sir” she responded. “I said cancel it,” I said slamming my cane on the floor. “Understood” she said before taking her leave.

I get up from my seat and pace around my office. Right now, I’m taking deep breaths as I move around, I am trying to pull myself together. “It’s just an ordinary day, calm down.” I repeat to myself over and over.

A while later, Casey knocks on my door and walks in with a bouquet of white roses in her hand. Her face seems swollen and she tries not to make eye contact with me. “Sir this came for you, they are from” … “I’m sorry.” I say cutting her off. “I don’t know what came over me but it was not right for me to treat you that way and I sincerely apologize.” I continued trying to make contact with her, “Sir it’s no problem at all.” She replied sounding shocked, her eyes were open in disbelief but I was deeply sorry. “Please keep the flowers so you know how sorry I am.” I said. This time her eyes are not only shocked, I saw them light up. “Thank you so much Sir” She says sniffing the flowers. “The flowers are from Miss Sasha” she says handing me the card which I immediately shove in my desk drawer. “Sir, I also wanted to inform you that you have a guest, he says his name is Bammy.” She looked puzzled by the name she pronounced. “Bami” I said to myself, “what on earth was he doing here?” I thought. I didn’t understand why he would visit but I could take a wild guess. “Alright send him in now.”

“Tylerrrrrr” Bami yells as he steps into my office, slamming the door behind himself. I could tell by his face that he was excited to see me. I stood up from my chair with a smile on my face. “I guess he’s still loud” I thought but seeing him wasn’t the worst thing right now. “Dashing as ever, Mr. Martins.” I said as I approached him with my hand stretched out for a handshake. I wasn’t wrong. Bami still looked fantastic, there was that intoxicating look as he would call it while we were in the university and it was still over him. It was why he had some many girls drooling over him, he was light-skinned from head to toe and his smile was always on his face showing it off his perfect white teeth. His hairline was perfect as always and that beard was still shining. There was also something about the way he carried himself with so much control, he just owned his look. Bami was never in a tie no, but always in a suit. Today he was in a blue suit and a white shirt tucked in, Tom Ford I assume.

“Me? Dashing? C’mon man, you’re the one looking like a billion dollars. Look at you drippin from head to toe.” Bami said touching the edge of my suit as we sat down on the couch. “It’s because I’m worth it.” I said as we both burst into laughter. I can’t lie, Bami and I aren’t that close and I barely kept in touch after we graduated which makes me wonder why he is here. Nevertheless, we were boys and we still are. He was always about having a good time and that’s why I hung around him. I could forget I was breaking on the inside when I was with him because we were too busy having a blast but sometimes, he was too reckless, which made me uncomfortable.

“Anyways bro, I see you’re not doing too bad. Right after college you got straight into all this, that’s really cool.” Bami said “Thanks, I’ve just been doing this ever since we graduated. I mean what else are we good at? So, what have you been up to?” I asked as his phone buzzed like crazy and a few times he would look at it and then put it back in his pocket. “Me? Nah, you should know me. I’m still trying to have some fun yunno. Maybe fall in love.” he said bursting into laughter “Na I’m just playing; I’m joining Dad’s company next year so there’s that.” Bami was not smart. He was a genius but a genius that loved to have fun. That was it.

“Do you have some alcohol in this place?” He asked standing up from the couch and looking around the office “Dude?” I said calling his attention back. “What? I’m thirsty” he said walking back towards me. “Well if your thirsty I have this thing that hits the spot” I said. His eyes lit up immediately like a child looking at candy “Now you’re talking.” He smiles rubbing his palms together. “Yeah yeah, it’s called water.” I said bursting into laughter. The smile from his face immediately disappears and he picks up the pillows from the couch and throws them at me.

Knock knock “come in” I respond adjusting myself. “Sorry to disturb you Sir, you have a call from your therapist's office.” She said… Bami trips a bit as he tries to sit back down cutting Casey off, “Oh sorry, you’re just so beautiful.” He says smiling at her. “Tell her to reschedule.” I say immediately before Bami could say any more words. “Ok, thank you, sir” She leaves.

“Therapist” Bami says looking at me like there was something he was expecting to hear. “My assistant” I say giving him the same look back, “ok ok I get you bro.” He says laughing. “Dude that’s true, I heard about Ty, I’m so sorry I couldn’t make it to the funeral I just got back into the States. I know how much that boy meant to you. I mean while we were in school, you’d never stop talking about how great your boy was. That’s messed up bro, so sorry.” Bami says changing the topic but I wish he didn’t. I will not lie, right now I feel triggered of now where. “Yeah thanks.” I say causing the room to be in awkward silence for a few minutes. Bami was my roommate in college and he was right. I always went on and on about little T but him bringing him up out of now where really caught me off guard.

“So, dude, let’s talk business, you know why I’m here.” Bami says with his face lit up. He looked at me like I was supposed to know what he was talking about. “I’m afraid you are going to have to help me out on this one.” I replied. “C’mon, it’s today you know.” He says trying to lead me on but this was the one thing I tried to avoid all day. The one thing that worked me up early in the day. “October 10th dude!” Bami yells at me in excitement, I just sit there looking lost. “Come on, stop messing with me, you know…” he says about to give up and tell me until his phone goes buzz buzz again shifting his attention and this time when he looks at it, his face grows cold suddenly. “Bami what’s up?” I ask. “No, it’s nothing. I have to leave right now.” “I have a meeting with some guys but trust me I’ll be back and we’re definitely going out tonight.” He says pointing his index finger at me as I walk him out. “No problem.” I say, shaking him before he takes off.

It's getting dark now and right now the time is about 6:00 pm. I was supposed to meet both Sasha and Bami tonight but I just decided to sit in my office and waste away the night alone. I’m staring at my phone, lying to myself that it’s nothing but deep down I’m desperate for the phone to ring. Silently praying someone calls; Mom, Dad, Sasha, Bami or even Dave. I just need someone to care a bit right now. I really didn’t want to be alone tonight.

Buzz buzz buzz, my phone vibrates from my hand causing me to open my eyes suddenly and lift my head from the table. The speed at which I answer when I see the caller ID simply show how desperate I was. “Hmm hmm hello?” I say on the phone trying not to sound so desperate. “Olanrewaju omo Balogun, happy birthday my boy.” the voice says and immediately my heart feels at peace. The smile on my face is not something I can hide. I feel like jumping off my feet and screaming on the top of my voice. Thank God I’m alone. “Baba you remembered” I said in excitement. Honestly, I was a little shocked but still this is Baba we’re talking about. He never forgot my birthday, not once. “Ahahn of course I remembered, it’s just that I was so busy planning the wedding with Tiwa but I knew I also had to call my son too and Tiwa sends her love too.” he replied.

“Thank you, Sir. It means so much that you called. Did anyone at home remember?” I asked. “Forget that for now” he replied in attempt to avoid answering the question and I immediately knew the answer to my question. “Don’t tell me you spent all day in that office. I hope you went out with your friends o.” He would always say “Lanre you are so young but you act like you’re older than me” and I would always laugh because I never knew what it meant. “Of course, I did Baba, don’t you trust me again?” I lied. I just wanted him to think I was doing good; I didn’t need to bother him with my sadness. As he prays for me in Yoruba, I could not hold back the tears that fell from my face. “This old man is my family” I thought.

As a little boy I remember praying every night that God would make Baba my proper dad. It just never happened. When he took us to school and bring us back, when he taught us Yoruba and told us that a proper man values his woman and respects her always, when he did all these, I just prayed for him to be my real father. He didn’t have much but he always gave all.

The call with Baba is over so I get a bottle of 2009 Chateau Latour wine from the fridge and say cheers to myself. “Happy birthday Sir.” a voice says as soon as I pop the bottle open. I turn to see Casey standing by the door with a card in her hands. She was fidgeting a bit but looked right at me. “Thank you so much Casey and I’m really sorry about this morning.” I say placing the bottle of wine on the table. “It’s nothing Sir. I understand, rough morning.” She said with a gentle smile on her face handling me the card in her hands. “I have to go now sir it’s getting late and my mother is home alone.” “Ok that’s fine, thank you once again.” I said smiling at her as she turned to leave. I’m quite puzzled but happy. I really didn’t expect anyone to remember today.

Not long after Casey left, I’m sitting on my table reading the card she wrote me while drinking the wine directly from the bottle. This isn’t how I normally behave and to be honest, I don’t know why I am on the table right now. “Take it easy sir, your assistant said you’re too busy to attend our session today but you don’t look so busy to me.” a new voice says. Tonight is full of more surprises than I’d expected and deep down there’s a feeling of satisfaction and warmth in me. I just feel so seen. Normally, every year I spend my birthday with Sasha and Ty, no one else close to me seemed to remember, not even family but today just feels like no ordinary day. The moment I set my eyes on the person in my office, I burst into laughter. I don’t know why but I’m laughing right now, mostly out of shock. I look up to see my therapist who I’ve had just a session with standing in my office with a cake and a bottle of red wine in her hands and my mouth just drops open for a few seconds.

“What on earth are you doing here Doc?” I questioned her getting off the table. “Am I being pranked tonight?” “No, you’re not.” She replies. “You just have an assistant who called to cancel your appointment and also mentioned that she was scared. Reason being that, you were lashing out because it’s your birthday. So, she begged me to come to see you because she didn’t want you to be all alone and she didn’t know anyone else to call but I guess she was wrong cause this party for one seems lit” she said looking at the bottle on the table and laughing. “Wait, what is this? My therapist, right now, or am I drunk?” I asked laughing as we both sit down on the couch.

“No no, this is Katherine who you just met. Nice to meet you Tyler.” She said winking at me. “What was that wink?” I say bursting into laughter. “You call that a wink Katherine? Come on, I’m sure you could do better.” I say winking back. “Ohhh I see, birthday boy thinks he’s smooth” she says clapping her hands sarcastically. I really don’t know what is going on tonight but I don’t even want to understand, I just want to be in this feeling for a little while longer.

It’s a few minutes after 8 and I’m walking Katherine to her car. I never knew she could be this funny and energetic, so full of life. I just thought she was a boring therapist that I had a session with and I was probably never going to have another one with but after tonight, with us walking to her car after a few hours of talking and laughing in the parking lot, I feel like I see a unique person. “Thanks for coming tonight. I don’t know why you came but I’m glad you did.” I say as we get to her car and for some reason, I feel like I’m on a first date. That nervous feeling you get when the date goes so well and you feel like you see a completely different person in front of you. “I mean, the pleasure is mine. Plus I got to see where you work so I know how many more zeros to add to your therapy bills.” We both start laughing at her reply, “but I’m glad you had fun and happy birthday Mr. Tyler and Dr. Chang will see you tomorrow I hope.” She said getting into her car. “You can call me T” I said as I closed the door after she got in. Why do I always do this? Open myself so soon to people and allow myself to be broken when they decide it’s time to walk out of my life “You can call me T… stupid,” I say, hitting my head with my hand as I walked back.

I’m about to walk back into the building when my phone rings and it’s Bami. The background is noisy, and he’s yelling on the phone. “Yoo birthday man what’s up? So, here’s the thing, I came all this way today just so we could go partying but I got cut up with some work. Don’t worry though, we’re still going to have fun cause I’m bringing the party to you as soon as I’m done. It’s never too late to party bro.” Bami says on the phone, “Wait what do you mean bringing the party to me?” I inquired. “Don’t worry, I got you covered.” he says and cuts the call. “Bami?” “Bami?!” I yell. “This dude better not be up to something too crazy.” I hoped.

I decided to go back home before Bami tries anything too stupid with me. Tonight was not what I expected but I don’t think I need any more excitement tonight. Suddenly, I remember I promised to see Sasha tonight. We always had dinner together on my birthdays; Sasha, little T and I but for the first time, it would just be Sasha and I. I make a little turn on my way home and let out a small sigh as I drive. This was going to be my first birthday dinner without little T and I don’t know what to think of that. I tried really hard not to think of it all day. The thought of not having Ty around every day, I’m not used to that yet.

Sasha had sent me a text while I was still driving that said- “Happy birthday T, I could never have asked for a better young man out of you. You helped me raise my child while you were still a child you became the best father for my son, I love you T. Always. P.S.- the key is where it always is.” So as soon as I get to her door, I take out the key from inside the right flower pot and open the door. As I walk in, the living room looks like it does every year, the floor is covered in balloons and I kick past them with my legs as I walk in. We used to hang them on birthdays but we decided to keep on the floor after Ty fell from a stool trying to get a balloon. There’s a cake on the center table that says, Happy Birthday Big T and a bottle of wine beside it. The smell of whatever Sasha made filled my nose, she knows how much I love food. Music is playing really softly in the background and the TV is set for what seems like a slide show. “This is new” I thought. “Sash, hey Sash, where are you?” I call out as I walk towards her room. What was she possibly still doing inside? This must be why she stayed home from work today so she could get all this ready.

I get to the door of Sasha’s room and the door is right open. Immediately, I see Sasha sitting on the floor by the bed with her legs raised to her chest and her head on her knees. In the blink of an eye, I run to her. “Sasha, what’s wrong? Look at me.” I say pulling her face up. Her eyes are wide open and swollen, her clothes soaked with tears and eyes red. Her hair is down and all over her face. She looks numb, frozen to the core. It’s like her soul has left her body and her body is just sitting there lifeless. I try to shake her back into reality and I call out to her. “Sasha, hey Sasha it’s me, T. Hey talk to me please” I plead tapping her to get her to say something but instead she hands me the piece of paper in her hands.

Immediately I fell to the ground after reading the paper. Suddenly I have a heavy feeling in my stomach and I feel the rest of my body stiffen. “What?” I breathe out in a low shaky voice. “He’s yours.” Sasha says without moving, “you’re his biological father.” A sudden coldness hits me to my core, halting my entire system in disbelief and as tears fill up in my eyes, I drop the piece of paper in my hand. “What?” I ask again.